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Saturday, December 17, 2011

Just Remember to Breathe

Wow, so it has been a while since I have written, and my how things have changed.....
I truly dont even know where to start....Just be ready for a novel!
Well last July Vic, and I decided he should pursue his career outside of the military, due to the fact that things were not exactly working in our favor where he currently was at. So he applied to some companies, and in August he was hired with an overseas contracting job.
While we were very excited for the potential pay, we were hit with yet another bombshell from my orthopedic surgeon, he had ordered an MRI, due to the fact that my knee injury was not healing the way it should have. The MRI showed a mass in my knee, and the doctor wanted to schedule surgery the very next week to remove it.
Well I know I couldn't very well do recovery from surgery by myself, with the baby in all. So Vic in turn had to put off leaving. With him and I both out of work we knew things would get very tight financially. Well they did, and I had to learn a whole new way of budgetting. It seemed like things were just getting thrown at us left, and right. In October my best friend of a dog Jager came down with an aggressive form of cancer, I was forced to make the decision to put him to sleep. I can not tell you the last time I have ever been so depressed. He had been with me for 7 years, through thick and thin. The night before we put him to sleep, I had a dream, it was filled with black crows everywhere in the dream. I woke up and lnterpretted my dream and crows symbolize death. Jager was dying, he had gotten so weak in just a weeks time, he wouldnt move out of his bed, wouldnt eat, wouldnt drink. I knew he was in so much pain. I had to let him go. I also began to have problems at work on top of all of the things going on, we gained a new supervisor, and you could easily say we did not, and still do not see eye to eye on a lot of things. Alot of things were going on with my schedule, co workers, etc. It teaches you a lesson, that the only person you can trust/rely on is yourself. I have one exception to this rule, that my husband is also someone who I can hole heartedly rely on and trust.
Finally when I thought things couldnt get any worse, we received word that Vic was infact leaving overseas and it was happening very fast. We literally had a couple of days notice of his training, and now within the next few days he will be gone for a year.
It was a crazy mix of emotions, and still is. Financial stress is horrible, its like your whole world is caving in, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You have to make serious sacrifices. The whole world revolves around money doesnt it? So now one stress will be alleviated, and one will be gained with the stress of my husband being gone for so long, and becoming a single parent. Yes, this isnt exactly a new thing, because with Vic and I both being military we have experienced one of us being gone for months at a time before. Now, is alot different because there is a child involved.
I think the thing that infuriates me in alot of this, is I have been told by a few so called supervisors that I have to "find resources" for childcare to work with my schedule at work, with my odd hours. I have to be able to "make sacrifices".The schedule could be changed to put me on a feasable shift to work around childcare hours, and my personal opinion is if you can help a single parent make their hours easier then why not do this? Lets just say a few of these people whom have children leave them with strangers, or leave them home alone for a few hours until they get home (mind you these children are below age 10).  To me this is just ass backwards! Whatever happened to your children coming first? There are too many sick people out there, who I do not trust with my daughter. Ignorant parents drive me crazy. Maybe its because I am a child psychology nut, or what but, my whole world does and will revolve around my daughter and her needs, and her best interest, Always!
I have also decided to go back to school, I am pursuing a doctorate degree in substance abuse recovery. It is something I know I will be very good at. I am going to attempt to do this full time while Vic is gone, so I can start my career within the next couple of years. This way I can make my own hours! I remember in middle school, I read an article from a billionaire, and he gave advice; he said you have to find a career that you love doing, otherwise you will be miserable.
All the while I am still trying to get my pre baby figure back fully. The knee injury sure through a big wrench in those plans. I still am not authorized to run by my doc. I can do the bike and elliptical though. I am getting there, making progress, and I have finally stopped stressing every single day about this. I am taking it one day at a time and I know I will get there.
I am anxious of the year ahead of me, hoping I can make everything work smoothly. Balance is the key word here. I need to balance work, school, fitness, training/playing with the dogs (we got a new puppy to give Frank a friend after Jager passed his name is Chance), and mommy/daughter time, oh and Skype time with Vic. I've known a few super moms in my time, my mom is one of them. I still wonder how they do it! They are my inspiration!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Something to Live for?

Sometimes we all need to Stop! and recognize what we have in this life. It is so easy to get caught up in the struggles, and storms of Life that we forget what we do have. I know because every once in a while I am guilty of it myself. Getting down on myself for everything that is wrong and stressful, and then suddenly I snap out of it, and feel guilty for taking for granted my wonderful life I have been given. If you pause and listen once in a while their are many life lessons to be learned every single day, and we should always be open for a positive change, and open mindedness.
I for one, and many others I know have it pretty good, not excellent, but not horrible. We get frustrated at the smallest things, and forget just how lucky we are. A few people I know, of course I will not name names, but they are always upset with life, always pondering over the little things that are wrong, always complaining how bad things are. It honestly makes me angry, because I know they dont stop to realize how bad things could be, how bad the person down the street might have it, how bad the stranger at the store might have it. Instead they dwell on all of the things they dont have, or all of the things that aren't perfect.
Have you heard the true story of the mother recently divorced, had gone out for a walk one morning before work only to come home and find all 4 of her children murdered, by her ex husband who then turned the gun on himself. Have you heard of the woman, who got so caught up in her busy life that she had forgotten her sleeping infant daughter in the back of her car, and went to work instead of dropping her off at daycare, only to come out hours later to find that her daughter had died from the heat in the car. I could go on with many true stories of tragedy, but I am sure you get the picture. Could you imagine what they must feel like? I know I cant.
Of course I can only speak this message to the people I know who have it good, they have their health, they have their job, they have a roof over their head, they have food and water, they have their family, they have their freedom..... You never truly know what the person you hardly know, your coworker for instance may be going through, so you can not really judge why they act the way they do. Get to know them, sometimes simply sharing your stories may be the thing that keeps them from breaking down. While I am not religious, I do believe we were put here for a reason, I do believe one day through your struggles you will find you are happy to be here, and be thankful. I know I am.
If you are not happy with your situation, their are always options to change it, it may take sacrifice, but it can be done. Until you have exhausted all avenues of change, or improvement, please dont give up.
We all need to slow down and enjoy the lives we have. Show your loved ones how happy you are to have them in your lives, and actually show them with the light in your eyes, take a moment to pause and listen to them, catch up with them, hang out with them. I promise you will make a difference in both of your lives once you do so. You never know how long they will be around.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Well I guess I jumped on this Blog bandwagon, Late as usual, but fashionably none the less!
I've had so much going on lately, good and bad times, and I've been thinking I need to invest in a journal, but of course I never got around to buying the journal. So this blog will become just that. So here we go on my first subject......

My biggest mountain these days is losing this baby weight, and over coming this knee injury/surgery. While I am thankful for my daughter, I hated pregnancy, and the whole process simply because I knew what the out come would be, my daily struggle which is my weight, and body image. I gained too much, and I own up to that. In the beginning I hardly gained anything, and the last 3 months I ballooned. I then had a C-Section, and just as I had recovered from that, a wrench was thrown into my workout plan, and I was granted a knee injury, which resulted in surgery. So some of the weight I had lost I gained back in recovery. Thankfully I met a wonderful trainer, and she has taught me a world of knowledge on strength training, and piece of mind from cruel peoples comments. I have gained alot of muscle, but I needed the cardio in which I was limited, and still am due to my knee surgery. My weight is embarrassing, and to this day certain people still treat me differently.
I have officially been on both sides of the fence. I've been the skinny girl most of my life,and treated so nicely, and catered to, and of course the last year and a half Ive been the big girl (big girl to my own image is me being a size 12) Its sick how differently you are treated when you are skinny vs fat. I guess its a stereo type. People automatically think, she must be lazy. Well I know I am not. Do I do EVERYTHING I possibly could be to lose all of this pregnancy weight? I would say I do about 75% of it. I know I do alot more about losing it than alot of others I know. I'm active, and I eat right 80% of the time. Latley Ive been on a roller coaster, and I honeslty dont know why. It could be stress from other problems going on right now (that will be my next blog post) or it could be a moment of weakness.
I almost feel like an addict of sorts, because an addict has to work on sobriety every minute of every day, and one day at a time. Addicts have all of the knowledge, all of the tools to stay sober, yet often times they relapse. I have all of the knowledge, and all of the tools to lose this weight, yet it is still hanging over my head every minute of every day. Its almost ironic because in 2008 I was the smallest, and most physically fit I've ever been and I loved it! Yet my life around me was crumbling, and I was depressed, I had just broken things off with my fiance, and done alot of things not morally acceptable! and was forced to find somewhere to live with hardly anyone to turn to. but you bet your ass I worked out every day, and ate really well. Now I am like I said previously the biggest I have ever been and I couldnt ask for more, I have a wonderful, loving husband who would do anything for me, and a daughter who is just too perfect for words. I have a home, and 2 dogs, and I have a job.
I think the biggest thing for me, is I wont settle for less! I dont respect people who aren't brutally honest with me, I need a swift kick in the ass to stay on track, but no one gives it to me, for fear of offending me. I had a few people even tell me during and after having my daughter, that my body will never be the same. I honeslty to this day dont know if those were compliments, or trying to make me feel better, or just being mean? I didnt take it as a compliment, I think it is rude to tell a person that. That is my motivation to prove these people wrong, and I know someday I will. I might even say "I told you so".Telling yourself you'll never look the same is a cop out! I know if you put your mind to it, you can make it happen.
So I will go on with my daily struggle, I will continue to exercise the best I can, I hope some day soon, this knee pain will ease and I will be able to run again. Hopefully I can try to get my eating habits off of this roller coaster. I hope I will be at the size 4 I want to be again sometime in 2012 as well.
Oh and by the way, I really secretly hate all of you naturally skinny bitches!

Until next time.......